Today, was a horrible day. I had a panic attack, a really, really bad panic attack. I hadn't had one that bad since like over a year ago over a certain guy. I forgot how horrible they are. I also forgot how angry i can get.

I don't understand why someone would go off on me, looking for conflict like that. Who does that? It's been thought that this particular girl did so because of my race, white. I know it's risque for a white person to complain about her race, but when someone has such hatred toward you and it is because she thinks that since you are white you must be against her, you tend to feel a wee bit attacked.

I have had a lot going on today, I don't think blogging about it will make me feel any better. Bye.

Word of the Day: (courtesy of dictionary.com)

empyrean \em-py-REE-uhn; -PEER-ee-\ , noun;
1. The highest heaven, in ancient belief usually thought to be a realm of pure fire or light.
2. Heaven; paradise.
3. The heavens; the sky.

The Beatles say "Happiness is a warm gun that you choose."
Interpreting such as you will, I must say that after a rather strange stumble into 2010 I had felt a wee bit... empty. For the first time in a long time, sleeping was much more pleasant than it should be. You know, the kind of sleeps that are like a release from reality. The kind that make you forget your own existence in a way that's actually relaxing. But then when you wake up you feel miserable because you are back to square one.
I'm not really sure why my aspects of this new year were so grim. I mean, life IS good. And it's not like anything bad happened to me at the New Year's Party or even after. In fact, it was an alright party! So then why did I feel like a shell of who I really am?

I thought about a lot of the recent things I've "gone through" (I put them in quotations because I feel it would be dramatic to say I've gone through things), and I've realized that I look for happiness in the wrong places. I look for them in boys, friends, food, etc. But do they really help? Because each time it is just a temporary high, and I am soon crashing back to where I started; feeling shitty.

I didn't have a New Years resolution but now i have one. I want to find my own happiness. I don't want to acquire it from anyone but me. What made me truly realize this were two very little things. I saw the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows trailer, and i felt a twinge of joy. Not just because I am a fan girl but i kind of thought about when I was a kid. i didn't have anyone really when i was a kid, I was an introverted child who had weird inventive plots running through her head constantly. I had little to no friends other than my best friend who lives about thirty minutes from me. And as a kid, I've always felt safe and happy behind my Harry Potter book. That was a happiness i found on my own.

Another thing that I did that most will find laughable is that I put on my jeans. They fit like a glove. I'm sure that this is a girl thing, but it felt good. My legs looked thin, my butt looked like it actually existed (this is good for me as I am very skinny...), and it actually made me look like I was kind of tall! I felt a swell of confidence.

I want to keep finding these little things that give me true happiness. Things that aren't unhealthy for me and don't come from "other people".

My New Years resolution is this:
I want to find MY happiness.

It may appear simple, it may even appear impossible. But I'm choosing this. I am choosing my happiness, because as the Beatles would tell me:
"Happiness is a warm gun that you choose."